A Boxing Without Gloves Between Me Against My Mind
“Hey, wanna know something funny before you sleep?” — my brain at 2 AM
The thought of my mind trying to kill me is something that I have been thinking about for a while. Especially on the not-so-good day when my mood is quite blueish, everything starts to look like shit. This sounds so exaggerated of course, but it indeed happens and usually, the first target of my mind is my appearance.
Some people always praise how I carry myself. They perceive me as the one who presents an air of confidence and intimidation — more reason for people to avoid me. Little did they know it was a delicate act on my behalf so people would not think lightly of me. There are certain moments in my life where I was deemed as someone easy to pick on, and such ended up in relentless bullying during my school life.
Thus, the reason for this appearance started to be born: a self-survival mask I built for a long time. But of course, my mind sometimes whispers how much of a coward I am to hide behind that. It keeps telling the exact insecurities of my being, like I know I might be good, but not that much of a good to be liked, moreover being loved.
It won’t stop as much as I tried to. My mind is a noisy place, where it feels with my healthy thinking process and contemplation, but also some of the most out-of-pocket stuff that I will not publicly say out loud for the sake of humanity. I feel like it was a place where my creativity and feelings mixed up, but it is also the part of me that involves the side where the worst in me also exists.
Reality sounds so funny if you think about it because I have to fight with both the outside factor and the inner part of myself, who seem too eager to drag me into the mud and make me suffer.
Well, I think it is some form of an abusement park, which pulled me to keep playing the game that slowly but surely cut me without I even realized it.
Sometimes, a fleeting thought comes from me regarding how it would be convenient to shut down my mind at a specific time —to cope with the burden of being an over-thinker. I curse myself for assessing random things in the universe, yet when the times need me (Like at school, or an exam) suddenly my mind decides it’s the perfect moment to go blank and rest. But of course, our mind will run through everything to keep us alive. Turning it off means it will also end our existence as humans, so I suppose, we’re deemed to keep thinking and pondering as a part of the price we pay to live as a human.
Of course, while part of me tries to detriment myself, I try to keep myself sane enough to rein what’s on my mind. I believe that a necessary degree of control is required for everyone to live peacefully. As such, I learned to keep myself on a proper leash to maintain myself and not to get overwhelmed by emotion that is quite turbulent, especially due to my tendency to feel everything. I learned that there is a thing beyond and beneath my grasp, and as such I stopped heeding the whispers or thoughts that slip into my mind in random circumstances.
Aside from that, I only have to focus on the things I can control, rather than on controlling everything. I could decide on how I should react, how I should feel about it, and how I should respond. This routine — which, I ironically called a leash — for now successfully helped me maintain a normal sense of thinking (Or so I think, please let me gaslight myself for the better things). At least, I know for now that trusting my 2 AM thoughts isn’t a good idea, nor does trying to think about the worst possibilities that might happen and let me walk into any decision without fear or doubt.
Just grasp anything that can fit the palm of your hand rather than trying to embrace the whole world.
We don’t have to pick everything, fill the cup to your liking and live a life that brings you happiness.
