Do The Trust that I Gave Deserve a Knife in My Heart?
Human connection is a complex subject— something that we all know. I always saw humans and their hearts as an ever-changing chaos: It keeps changing every time, every moment, every second. Likewise, it is something that I believe can make humans able to do the most genuine benevolence, but also the utmost atrocious evil any man could know. The only thing that made us different was which side we chose — and I hope many of us would rather be a kind person, at best.
But of course, those are the beauty within human complexity. We go out and build some form of connection with another individual — a merit of our fate as a social being. Furthermore, to ensure a proper connection between two individuals, a component that serves as the profound foundation for this connection: Trust. A certain feeling where we believe someone based on the integrity that they’ve shown towards us, and that they will do the same when we need it.
As simple as it seems, people tend to forget that “trust” is a delicate matter; from a broader perspective, it was a high-risk gamble. You’re practically giving your heart to someone and allowing them to hold it in the most vulnerable state. They can do anything to it, both good and bad. So it is very likely for you to consider whether a person can bear that responsibility from you.
One major lesson I learned through my journey is not to blindly trust anyone. As much as I want to believe that everyone is capable of kindness, not many can cut the responsibility of trust. A little slip of it, and you might find yourself wounded in the most unexpected ways.
I learned everything about this in the toughest way because my stubbornness is the only thing that matches my capabilities of loving someone. At one time during my college years — which is a good time to thread the upcoming life of an adult — I lent my heart carelessly and ended up with knives planted in my heart. I recalled how I was treated and called a burden in the group, my willingness to bridge their communication (A fucking adults that enjoy silent treatment between each other and pretend that nothing is wrong) was somewhat of a burden for them.
The betrayal took its toll in the cruelest ways. I mean, if I don’t like someone, I would never expect them to do any good to me for sure. But for someone I care about and consider a “friend”, it was nothing but a punch in the gut. My world seems to crumble, followed by the emotional turmoil that follows because I start blaming myself that maybe, I deserved this for being naive.
“Ignorance is a sin” — and here I am paying for it
A few months went by, and I think Fate was testing my mental state there because I finally learned the reason why they did it, and to say that I was angry would be an understatement. My rage was bursting like an erratic storm in the sea—a culmination of despair, sadness, and disappointment that had built up for several months. To finally learn the truth just like a nail in the coffin, unleashing the flaming embers that scorched my heart.
Since I am more than willing to tie up any loose end, I decided to go all out and cut the thread that connected us indiscriminately. I even cut some of the people who didn’t take an active part in the betrayal. For me, action always talks louder than words, and that’s all I need to know. No more closure is necessary, as I don’t want to give them any satisfaction of holding some sort of control over my own emotions.
After all, an excuse wouldn’t heal the wound, and not even an apology would reverse the pain that already coursed my veins.
I will live, with or without any excuse you made. Just like how I was able to live without you before, I will thrive even now.
As time went by I found myself learning how to stitch the wound. I took my time, carefully without any rush as always. Patience is needed when you’re trying to heal, and you have to let it flow without any urge to rush the process. I am a firm believer in “Good things always take some time” — the same goes for my heart and healing. I just have to believe that I’m strong enough to heal my own heart.
Nonetheless, after years passed, I found myself asking about what I did back then. But I think, rather than clouded with a stream of emotion like how I used back then, I was able to get the resolute verdict for my feelings: It wasn’t my fault for caring about them, but how I did back then reflect on how much less I saw my value and feelings. Trust is also part of our heart, something that we pour our goodwill into. It feels like giving a piece of yourself, and thus… you do have to take notes and ensure that it is not something you take lightly.
But it does serve as a lesson for me that your heart is something that we have to cherish. Trust is a pivotal aspect that will ensure you have a proper bond with someone. It is entirely logical if you’re giving it to someone with the exact level of commitment and love as you (And, no, don’t even think of yourself to deserve something less).
This is a gentle reminder, in case you need one: you are your own person. Therefore, it is only fair if you treat yourself with greater care. Usually, we tend to walk in a linear outlook that we have to do our best to make the other person happy, but have we ever considered that, above all else, your happiness matters the most?
